The Deep Blues Sea

(Content warning: this post discusses details of my psychiatric hospitalization. If that’s triggering for you, you may want to skip this one, and know that I’m sending you all my love). This week I walked with a friend and her four-month-old. It’s surreal to watch my friends with babies now and to realize that my…

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Time Before Time

This week, I talked to Erica while I walked. Erica and I used to work together, and first got to know each other by taking walks along the river outside our office, whenever either of us needed a mental break from the frenzied pace of the day. I can’t believe that it’s been almost a…

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An Attitude of Gratitude

The last time I wrote, I reflected that a bad day doesn’t have to turn into a bad week. But sometimes it does. And sometimes one bad week turns into another. I’ve been having a tough time lately, and I wish I had a more insightful or eloquent way of saying that. But one of…

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The Last Crazy Straw

“It’s strange how we can hold so many different truths in our mind at once,” Kate says as we walk today. We are talking about breastfeeding, but we could be talking about so many things. Kate knows about holding disparate truths in her mind and heart, because she had a baby during the pandemic, like…

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Teach for Mom-erica

My husband was sick last week, so it was just me on Bailey duty. The first day was the roughest, with Bailey being in one of those moods where everything that’s not a toy is a toy, and everything that is a toy is completely uninteresting. So the next day, I was determined to make…

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Beauty and the Grief

Today, I walked with another friend from my old job, Janice. Janice was one of the first people who reached out to me after I gave birth to offer me emotional support and a space to talk about the realities of what I was going through, before I began traveling through a different reality entirely.…

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Stranger in a Strange Body

As I walked by myself this week, I thought about my body. One of the reasons that walking has been so helpful is that it grounds me in my body. Reminds me that no matter how caught up I get in the workings of my mind, I have a physical presence as well. A presence…

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I Yam who I Yammer With

My conversation with Katy ended about halfway through my walk. It’s a long, 4 mile loop, and she had arrived at home, where was dinner waiting for her at her doorstep. We’d had the nicest talk, about everything, from family and therapy to birth and death. I felt seen and understood by our conversation in…

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PsychoSister: Qu’est-ce que c’est?

Sometimes even I have a hard time following my own story. It’s complicated. So I’m going to try to provide some context to help make my stories a little bit clearer. One of the first questions I always get is “Wait, did you have postpartum bipolar or postpartum psychosis?” Even after talking to multiple health…

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The Bumpity Bumps

Today is the anniversary of the day I left the psych ward. It’s a big day that I’ve been waiting for for a long time. When I arrived home from the hospital last year, I felt relieved, but also guilty. And disconnected. Feeding schedules, outfits, the layout of our baby care materials around the house…

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